Saturday, May 16, 2015

Mother vs Mother-in-Law

What if you think you have done everything right not to become your Mother-in-law but in the end that is just what happens no matter what you do?

When I first met my husband almost twenty three years ago, naturally I wanted to meet his parents (his mother and step father). He jokingly told me his mother was crazy. I laughed said no way, he said no but she sees things differently, in her own way. He explained that we would be meeting them by going to dinner but when ordering dinner do not order a beer. Confused, I looked at him. He said, she would leave the table. I was in awe, I replied really. He said, really. That's was the beginning.....

In my past relationships (not many), never had a problem with parents before; was determined not going start.

Well, I should have thought twice before thinking that way. A little back relationship with my Mother-in-Law was rocky from the start. We both are "Type A" personality. She is a Mother of five boys; Boys, I mean Boys!!!! My husband can be passive which I love but he also is the rough and tough too. He is my calm and reason, my polar opposite. Therefore; I have come to realize over the years of being a Mother, you wear many hats, protector being one, but a Mother of just boys is on a whole different playing field.

I do have to admit many things have happened over the years on both sides of our relationship; good and bad. Somethings, I look back, wish I could change or I wish things would have been handled differently from all involved. However, we all know, time cannot change, only can move forward learning along the way. 

As of five years ago our relationship ceased completely. Interesting we came to this point especially as I had an awesome relationship with my Mother. Prior to her recent passing, I spoke to her pretty much every day sometimes two three times of day. She loved everyone unconditionally, always accommodating for holidays, birthdays, etc., genuine friend and whenever I had an issue she never judged either side but walked me through the issue at hand. Whether I took what she was saying was up to me but she always had a great solution and her faith was always on point.

Now we are five years into not speaking to my Mother-in-law; I am her to a certain degree and definitely not by choice. Being in this situation, a place I do not want to be, I want to be my Mother, my Rock, my Mentor and do not know how to get there.

With our eldest son leaving our home in the middle of the night on his eighteen birthday, needing to spread his wings, to be independent to figure out life by way of a note; is where it began. Two years later, no relationship to really speak of, as a Mother, you first start to question where you went wrong as a parent. Apologize for anything and everything. Keeping in prayer always but try to forget the hurt but then you get hope, your child comes back, a call or a text received. Try to talk, try to rebuild, sadly with the root issue still not fully resolved; the wound opens, it festers, heals only for a bit then opens again and again and again.

Thus, I could only speculate on how my Mother-in-Law may feel for her son, my husband, whom there is no contact. To this is where I am my Mother, my heart is sad for my husband. He should be speaking to his Mother. I have gone out of my way, numerous times to speak, to make contact with my son, as the saying, you can lead a horse to water but cannot make them drink. Also, I am a firm believer in history. Will history repeat with my son? This is an issue with my husband, his mother and our family. What is to say it will not be an issue with my son's child when the time comes? I know that my son's fiancé has a wonderful relationship with her Mother as I did with my Mother, but that was not enough for me to keep a healthy relationship going. Was it something I learned, did I not do something or did I just not parent correctly? Whatever the answer maybe family is family on both sides of a marriage. You do not just marry your partner you marry the entire family too.

“If every morning you look at your child as a gift from God, a blessing that He has bestowed today, and thank Him for that blessing, you will approach your children with love, patience, and grace. You have to bow your knee and say, "God, you really are good and you knew exactly what you were doing when you gave me this child.”  - Sally Clarkson and Sarah Mae GOD BLESS

Until Next Time...Make It A Great Day!

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